There is a healthy way to confront others about our needs and feelings, and an unhealthy way. I did not invent the healthy way of communicating I’m about to share with you, I have learned it from books written by some of the top marriage and relationship experts in the world today, one being Dr. Gary Smalley in his book “The DNA of Relationships.” My wife, Cat, gave me the idea to call these two ways of confronting others about our needs and feelings, unkind conflict, and kind conflict.
Unkind Conflict
Typically the way many couples share when they feel hurt by something someone did is by attacking or criticizing the other person: “What you did was rude; dumb; lazy; selfish!” “You’re a jerk; pig; #$@#!;” “You’re so selfish; stubborn; mean; unthoughtful!” or my personal favorite “You always ...” When they communicate that their needs or expectations aren’t getting met it goes pretty much the same way: “Why can’t you do such and such for once?” “Sure would be nice if I could get some help around here once in a while!” “You never do such and such!” Sound familiar?
This is passive aggression. Have you ever heard of a spouse that says the words “I’m fine,” when asked if something is wrong, but then they shut themselves off from their husband or wife as a way to punish them? Or perhaps they will drop hints at what they are really upset at without coming out and saying it directly. This can be as damaging or even more so than the aggressive verbal attacks. Neither one of these communication styles is healthy.this person starts attacking you with their sword to retaliate! They are hurting! What do you do? The most natural reaction would be for you to defend yourself and attack back. This is life or death! It’s kill or be killed!
And this is exactly how most married people confront each other when they have an issue, are feeling hurt or not getting what they need: they attack! When we attack each other verbally or criticize the other’s behavior, this triggers the fight or flight part of the brain in the other spouse. When the fight or flight part of the brain is engaged, the rational and thinking part of the brain shuts down. Their brain now has one goal: survive at all costs! When this is happening, the most natural response for you or your spouse is to defend and attack back.
When there is love for each other in the marriage, eventually the couples can come terms and sort things out, but only after they have emotionally cut each other to ribbons with their harsh and stupid words. How long do you think love will last in that environment?
Another unhealthy way couples can communicate is known as passive aggression. This is when a person will speak nicely with their words and make out everything is ok, but then in their actions, they will find a way to punish or hurt those they are hurt by instead of coming out and communicating their feelings. Or they communicate what they are really thinking or feeling in an indirect way. Imagine we are in medieval times again, and the person who has been cut by you smiles and says nothing is wrong, but then cuts you as they walk by while pretending they didn’t mean to.
This is passive aggression. Have you ever heard of a spouse that says the words “I’m fine,” when asked if something is wrong, but then they shut themselves off from their husband or wife as a way to punish them? Or perhaps they will drop hints at what they are really upset at without coming out and saying it directly. This can be as damaging or even more so than the aggressive verbal attacks. Neither one of these communication styles are healthy.
Kind Conflict
Imagine the medieval times scenario again. But this time the fellow that was cut by your sword, instead of attacking you or looking for revenge, lays his sword down, approaches you, and says “Good sir,” (that’s how they talked back then, right?) “I’m not sure if thou art aware or not, but when thou walked by me earlier, I was cut by thine sword, I could really use your help to get to a doctor.” This method would be much more likely to illicit an apology from the other person, as well as an effort to make things better; wouldn’t you agree? This is kind conflict.
In kind conflict, when someone hurts us, we share how we feel in regard to what the other person did; we don’t attack or blame them. When someone doesn’t do what we need, we share what we need and ask for their help; we do not complain, criticize or make demands. If you notice further up above in the examples of unkind conflict, most of the statements begin with the word you or you’re. “You never…” “you always…” “you’re a…” In unkind conflict the focus is on the other person and what they have done; this is often what makes our statements come across as criticism or attacks.
In kind conflict, the focus is on how we feel and what we need. In kind conflict, when we feel hurt, angry or wronged someway, the statements should begin with “I feel/felt when you do/did/say/said…” When we are communicating a need the statement should start with “I need such and such, and “I would really appreciate it if..” or even “it would mean a lot to me if...” When we do this, we are laying our swords down, and emotionally showing our wound or need to a person.
How To Have Kind Conflict
When you want to communicate a hurt or problem with your spouse healthily, first start off with sharing your love for them in some way (a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down), especially if their love language is words. Next, tell them how you “feel” in regard to what happened or what they did. Avoid saying “you made me feel,” this is still criticism. Plus no one can “make” us feel anything; they can influence our feelings but cannot make us feel. Instead say something like “I felt/feel (insert feeling here) when you did/do/said/say such and such.” I felt “hurt; angry; frustrated; sad; upset; disappointed.”
After sharing what you feel it can help to explain why you felt this way. Often this helps the person be more understanding and gets their focus off of their performance and onto your feelings. You can say something like “I don’t feel cared for/loved when you do that,” or “I feel unwanted/disrespected when you say that.” After you have shared what you are feeling, tell them what you need and what they can do to meet that need, and ask them for their help. It could sound something like this: “I need or I want to feel loved/cared for/respected by you,” and “it would mean a lot to me if you could do/say such and such.” This is key, if you can tell your spouse what you need, and they do that thing or show you they understand, you can reconnect and move past the hurt or issue much faster. Before you approach your spouse with the issue, try to be aware of what it is you are needing and what your spouse could do to meet that need so you can communicate what would help you.
In kind conflict, a whole conversation would go something like this:
“Honey, could we talk for a sec? Thanks. Well first I just want you to know I’m not attacking you by what I’m going to say, I love you, and I want us to feel closer to you and that’s why I am telling you this. Tonight when we were with Sam and Alisha, I felt a bit disrespected when you made that joke about me. Your opinion is important to me, and I want to feel that you respect me and think highly of me. Would you not make jokes like that in the future, Darling? It would mean a lot to me. Thank you.”
Here’s an alternative conversation you could have:
“how could you say that!? You made me look like an idiot! You’re always doing that!”
Which one of those two conversations do you think would help the husband get his need for respect met? Which one of those conversations do you think would bring the marriage closer? And more importantly, which one of those styles of communication do you want to follow in your marriage? I hope you and your spouse will begin to practice kind conflict and reap the rewards that follow.
Click here to get a copy of Micah’s book “The 3 C’s of Marriage.” Inside you will find tips on growing love in your marriage, showing love to your spouse in a way that is most effective, communication, boundaries and how to avoid things that drain love and connection. For FREE with kindle unlimited or $2.99 to buy.
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